Solo traveling has its ups and downs. Especially for someone such as myself who has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout much of my life. Even harder when months later, I’m still mentally handling a rough breakup from the beginning of this year. Solo traveling with those considerations in mind, you are very much aware you’re alone and often times settle into deep contemplation and self-introspection when not stimulated.

Towards the end of my stay in Paris, the depression was starting to hit hard again. Lacked motivation to get up, but once I got up and moving, always ended up grateful I took myself across the world. But first day in Croatia?

Oof.

Roughest thus far.

I arrived yesterday in the town of Split. Was suggested over Dubrovnik (city where Games of Thrones was filmed, so yes still going for at least a day). Split supposedly being larger, but less touristy and on the cheaper side. Let me squash those beliefs right now. Croatia has already hit tourist destination level and is NOT cheap.

It’s about the same, if not more, than areas in the US and even Paris! I had an easier time finding a cheap stay in Paris for better value. High season here is June through August. Yes, it’s tourist season in Croatia and I still came here, but you’ve gotta know where I was coming from. Several websites and podcasts labeled Croatia as one of the cheapest countries in the world. Here to tell you it’s not. Beautiful beaches and even the phrase “cheap” has brought foreigners (myself) from all over the world and raised the prices (smart on Croatia’s end).

[Update: Old Town is expensive, but the deeper you go into Split, the cheaper. Perfect for groceries and clothes if needed. Would suggest finding accommodations with a kitchen to avoid eating out if on a budget.]

So arrived yesterday, pulled out 100 euros from the bank with plans to budget myself to 80 euros this week (which is already nearly gone due to my lost, contemplative wanderings of yesterday). The bus from the airport was easy enough. Three euros to ride bus 37 into town.

Arrived to my hostel, described to over Booking.com as having a garden, rooftop patio, and most describing it as pleasant and would stay again. LIES. It’s on the second floor of a building in downtown Split with no garden, no rooftop patio, and was dark and humid. Which, eh, I’ve had worse and I had yet to see the room, so stayed positive.

Positivity started wavering after I met a girl leaving the place after one night. Stashed my luggage in the dining/living room area and prepped to go shower in the bathroom when the girl whispered to me “Leave while you can.”

Ha. Ha. No joke.

Already unsettled, still went to shower and just as I turned on the water and started washing my hair- a loud knock.

I just got in- girl had already told me that was the only bathroom, so no way was I giving up my found bathroom slot. Continued to shower only for the knocking to get more and more aggressive. Quickly finished up and now aggravated, wrapped my towel around me and threw open the door. I started as this woman all skin and bones , eyes, teeth and cheekbones jutting out, stood there yelling at me.

(After seeing her again, now believe she has a rare disorder. Can’t remember the name of it.)

My immediate thoughts were front door was propped open and homeless woman? I didn’t know how to react so I quickly shut and locked the door in this woman’s face.

The aggressive knocking immediately continued and I quickly tugged my clothes over my still wet body and bolted out of there, this angry woman continuing to yell in Croation or Serbian- I don’t know.

So that was the start of my time in Croatia. A warning of “leave while you can” and some crazy skeletal woman yelling at me.

Day didn’t get much better.

After checking in, learned there was no luggage storage room as also described on Booking, so was already anxious about my laptop and camera. Then went to the beach in expectation of relaxation time, but instead began my troublesome decent into mental madness. Madness induced by contemplation of life, death, friends, love, and purpose.

The blossoming monster in my head rode with as I explored through the maze of old town alleyways for distraction.

Turns out walking through an old, walled Roman city speaks romance and made me very much aware I was alone. The great quantity of couples aided that notion as did the many groups of friends traveling together.

I became stuck in my own thoughts. “Play” pressed on forgotten traumatic memories, all running on a roll of film. I stood gazing darkly at the waves and the depth beneath.

~

There’s a point to this short negative rambling on my first day in Croatia.

For those of you also struggling with mental illness, as I learned yesterday, you have to understand you can’t run away from depression. Especially if you haven’t already received the help you need for it. It lives inside you until you’ve found a way to eradicate it, manage it properly or at least learn a healthy coping method.

I thought I could run away from it. I believed Utah was the source of my many problems, having escaped it before by moving to Seattle and finding happiness. But now I’m thinking the only reason leaving worked that time was because something in Seattle happened to have what I was looking for in that moment.

Right now I’m looking for a purpose and that’s something that’s going to require a lot more than just traveling. Yesterday’s deep thinking was needed, even if it wasn’t enjoyable. Helped with more self-discovery. Made me more aware of what I need to work on, insight into what I’m looking for and in which ways to alter my travels and plans to reach that goal.

Yesterday also serves as a reminder to us all- bad days still happen, no matter where or what you’re doing in the world. But remember there’s always tomorrow.

I woke up today a little unsure, but already feeling much better than yesterday. Met some others solo-traveling Croatia. After speaking with them it was the bit of hope I needed to think “I’ve got this.” Sometimes even other solo travelers need the reminder. Was seriously contemplating leaving back for the states after Croatia, but now I think I’ll keep playing this game.

Cheers to you guys out there with the nerve to solo travel and those fighting the depression battle.

We’ve all got this.