Purpose.

What drives me?

What gives me strength?

What can my will manifest?

What could my imagination create?

What difference do I have the potential to make?

What makes my heart sing, my feet dance, and my face beam?

Never given the chance to settle growing up but traveling and living in a variety of places and countries, I’m now faced with both restlessness and a stronger desire to explore as an adult. Unsure of where to live, what to do, what to call home. This indecisiveness has been threaded through my friendships and relationships. I’ve lost my sense of self and with it, have lost touch with ones I shouldn’t have let go, got involved with those I should’ve never let in, and am now drifting about aimlessly all while dealing with what my therapist called an early onset of a mid-life, existential crisis. I’m unsure of my life’s purpose, don’t know who I am as a person, and some days, struggling to find the will to live. Which brings me to what I do know.

Though my thoughts and relationship with myself and others are in complete disarray, I have my wanderlust and curiosity to thank for being some of the few sources of stability I have in myself. It’s lit a fire under my butt to travel and see everything, everywhere. I’ve done it before- the wanderlust thing. I’ve applied to a Chinese university in Beijing to learn Mandarin, solo-traveled to Thailand (where, I’d like to proudly inform, I jumped off a moving train James Bond style), lived out of my car in Seattle while venturing up and down the coast- even into Canada- dipping my toes into the idea and belief of freedom. But have I ever bought a ticket out of my home country without an end destination in mind?

No. This would be a first.

I have struggled for years now with depression, social anxiety, and along the way developed low self-esteem. Traveling (something I really enjoyed) began to feel impossible and like an old let-go hobby just like my piano/cello playing and writing. I had days where getting up out of bed felt impossible. I became a flaker, canceling on plans due to high anxiety and thoughts of how much better off people would be without me. I’ve self-isolated to the extreme, losing deep connections with people in my life I care deeply for or could’ve been close with. I lost touch with my desires and dreams, my sense of ‘self’. Dare I say I even came to despise who I am. My life in my eyes had become a chaotic mess I no longer knew how to escape.

I chose the latter.

In 3 days time I leave for Rishikesh, India. My first destination of many. This is just the beginning. I have a lot of healing to do and much to reflect on.

Aside from how this journey will help me, I want it to be a cheer of sorts. Inspiration for those who are struggling just as much, if not more, on surviving the day. For those who dream big but struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. For those who find themselves thinking there must be more to life than just the same daily, drab routine. For those who have that heavy pit in the bottom of their stomach as they leave for the jobs they never wanted to work. For those who struggle to afford living and doing as desired in today’s high-cost world. For those who feel like they don’t fit or belong anywhere. And for those especially who struggle with mental illness, happiness appearing to be an unattainable privilege.

I’m here to show you life doesn’t have to be that way. Happiness can be achieved, a sense of belonging can be found for the loneliest of the lonely, living adventurously doesn’t have to break the wallet, and inner chaos and outside dark forces can be fought. So I want you to ask yourself as I am myself-

What could life be and feel like when possibilities become limitless?